The DE
by Tongze'n'Phawke
Summary: Voldemort is tired of hunting down Harry. He’s totally bored and decides to write a soap opera, using his Death Eaters and himself as the characters. Episode 2: Bella at St Mungos. Crabbe and Goyle still ponder, Lucius discvoers his heritage, Voldy cheats
1. The Lost Sombrero

Summary: Voldemort is tired of hunting down Harry. He's totally bored- and decides to write a soap opera, using his Death Eaters and himself as the characters.

This is kind of like a spoof of the OC, cept I don't watch the OC. Well, for one thing, it's called the DE for Death Eaters. I dunno. It's kinda a spoof of all soap operas, or a stereotypical soapie, where everyone's overdramatic etc. Maybe neighbours? Well, I don't watch Neighbours anywayz.

A/N: Voldemort is the narrator. His narrating lines are in **bold** Each minion plays themselves. Actions and descriptions are in _italics. _A line indicates a new scene.

**Voldy: Hi. My name is Lord Voldemort, and I'm the average Evil Lord. I live in a creepy, ruined castle on the top of the hill, and I have a select group of minions called Death Eaters. I aspire to take over England. Word Domination is my second life-long goal.**

_Enter Lucius_

Lucius: Hey my lord, how's it going? Anyway, have you seen my sombrero?

Voldy: Good morning Lucius. I am just plotting against mudbloods and thinking of methods of torture. Ah yes, your sombrero- I think Rudolphus borrowed it for his Mexican Hat dance recital this afternoon.

Lucius: He is gunna pay! Oooh… I hate him soooo much… I'm going to shove coal so far up his ass that he'll be coughing up diamonds…

Voldemort: Hey, that's a good method of torture. And then, we can put nifflers up their butt which will tear them apart looking for the diamonds! MUAHAHAHAHAHAH! _Writes down on parchment. Other methods on parchment are freeze in liquid nitrogen then crack with mallet into 17396028562957683 pieces, and peel off skin with a potato peeler._

_Exit Lucius._

Lucius: My dear Narcissa, I have chosen to embark on a mighty quest. This particularly dangerous quest will test my bravery. It will test my knowledge and… it will test my soul. This quest… I have to find my long- lost sombrero. My mortal enemy, Rudolphus, who is incidentally my brother in- law in-law, has stolen my beloved sombrero from my clutches, and is now using it for his Mexican Hat Dance recital this afternoon.

Narcissa: _Gasp!_

Lucius: It is my destiny. I must go. If I don't come back… avenge my death, and know that I love you. Death will not do us part.

Narcissa: Oh, Lucius! Where will I go? What will I do?

Lucius: Wherever your heart leads you. I will always be with you in spirit.

Narcissa: Oh Lucius! Make love to me one last time!

Lucius: Mmkay.

_Gross making out kissy sounds._

**Voldy: Crabbe and Goyle are lying in the sunlight out in the garden of the Death Eater Castle, cloud gazing.**

Crabbe: _Picking toenails. _Ummm… soooo…

Goyle: Duuuhhhh…

Crabbe: Hey, that cloud looks like a toenail!

Goyle: Nah… looks like a cloud.

Crabbe: Hey yeah, it does! Me take picture. _Pulls out camera, holds up to face. Camera is wrong way around, takes picture of his eye instead of cloud._

Ow! My eye! Bright… colours…

Goyle: Me get help! _Takes hamburger out of pocket, begins eating._

**Voldy: Lucius begins his perilous journey.**

_Lucius walks out of huge castle doors, wearing a hiking pack with a roll mat on top, a hiking stick and wearing a Boy Scout uniform._

Lucius: Oh Lucius, conquering all the land, Oh Lucius, something something marching band, Oh Lucius, the greatest in the world… la la la… something that rhymes with world… AHHH! _Falls down extremely long stairs._

_10 minutes later, he reaches the bottom of the stairs. He has a purple bruise on his right cheek._

Lucius: AHHHH! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! _Pulls out mirror and makeup case from hiking pack. Dabs foundation onto face. Making kissy faces at his compact. _Maybe she's born with it… Maybe it's Maybelline…. Uh, I mean, he. Uhh… Lucius Away! _Apparates._

Goyle: What's the meaning of life?

Crabbe: What's the what of life?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The meaning of what?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The what of life?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The meaning of what?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The what of life?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The meaning of what?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The what of life?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The meaning of what?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The what of life?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The meaning of what?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The what of what?

Goyle: My mummy baked some cookies yesterday. Her secret ingredients are toe jam and pickled pickles.

Crabbe: Mmm… toe jam cookies…

**Voldy: Meanwhile, Narcissa is at her mansion throwing a Death Eater Barbeque.**

Voldy: Mmm, that smells good, my evil minion. What's cooking?

Narcissa: Oh, all sorts! I've got all sorts of meat frying… kangaroo, ox, moose, human, kitten, scarab beetle, turtle, owl, donkey, squid, ogre, tooth fairy, polar bear, chimpanzee, koala, Chihuahua, ostrich, and cow if you're not feeling that evil.

Voldy: Of course I'm feeling evil! MUAHAHHAHAHA! See? I'll have a bit of everything, except cow.

**Voldy: An hour later, everyone is heavily drunk. Windows are smashed and people are starting fistfights.**

Voldy: People, people, please! We all know that cheese doesn't make a good dark lord-

Greyback: Hey Lord Voldemort! You'd better give me that wine bottle… or I'll smash your nose it!

Voldy: Oh, oh, now that's just mean! Don't diss my nose!

Greyback: Yeah… what nose is there to diss? Har har…

Voldy: Crucio!

Greyback: Ow.

Voldy: CRUCIO!

Greyback: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S GETTING HIT IN THE CROTCH BY THAT LITTLE MUGGLE KID ALL OVER AGAIN…

Voldy: Har har. _Slips and lands on bum, knocked unconscious._

Alecto: Oh my god! I've killed the Dark Lord!

Greyback: No you didn't… he slipped and fell on his bum.

Amycus: I CAN SMELL THE INSIDE OF MY NOSE! I have a nose, you see.

**Voldy: Lucius has just apparated to Mexico, to hunt down Rudolphus and get back his sombrero. Now he's also wearing camouflage paint on his face. He's walking down the streets of Mexico City, and spots Rudolphus prancing around in his sombrero, wearing pom-poms, ruffles, and bells. There are a gathering of people watching him and dancing to the Mexican Hat Dance Music, including Bellatrix.**

Bella: Whoo! You go, my hot hubby! Shake that ass!

Rudolphus: Oh yeah, baby! _To the tune of the Mexican Hat Dance. _ I dance, I dance, I dance, around Lucius' sombrero, I dance, I dance, I dance, he does not know where-o! I'm dancing around his Lucius' hat, so how does he like that- Eeeeek! Lucius! Um… I was… just… not stealing your sombrero!

Lucius: Are you ze man wiz ze sexy ass?

Bella: YEAH! Whoo! You know it- my Roddy has the best ass in the Universe.

Lucius: My name eez Lucius Malfoy.

Rudolphus: _Hides sombrero behind back. _Um, yeah, I know.

Lucius: Joo ztole my sombrero.

Rudolphus: No I didn't! Um… _Shifty eyes._

Lucius: Prepare to die.

Tway… that was soooooooo much fun to write. This is Phawke here, Tongze will probably be writing the next chapter. And now, a word from our sponsors:

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	2. Bella at St Mungos

**Hey, Tongze here. Well, I was going to write part of me and Phawke's serious (gaspshockhorror) book seven fic, but I siriusly can't be bothered. Soooo… a little reminder of where we left off…

* * *

**

Lucius: Are you ze man wiz ze sexy ass?

Bella: YEAH! Whoo! You know it- my Roddy has the best ass in the Universe.

Lucius: My name eez Lucius Malfoy.

Rudolphus: _Hides sombrero behind back. _Um, yeah, I know.

Lucius: Joo ztole my sombrero.

Rudolphus: No I didn't! Um… _Shifty eyes._

Lucius: Prepare to die.

* * *

Rudolphus: I'd like to see you try.

Lucius: Avada-

Rudolphus: Ah, crap.

**Voldy: Suddenly, Greyback bursts into the gathering of people.**

Greyback: Noooo! Lucius, you cannot kill him!

Lucius: Why not? He stole my sombrero!

Rudolphus: _Edges away from Lucius and disappears behind crowd._

Greyback: He is your long lost twin brother!

Lucius: So?

Greyback: You cannot kill a member of your family! You shall not spill your long lost twin brother's blood today!

Lucius: Oh yes I will!

Greyback: Not on my watch. _Punches Lucius and tackles him to the ground._

Bella: _Gasps _Where did Rudolphus go? _Screams and faints_

**Voldy: Meanwhile, Crabbe and Goyle are still discussing Goyle's mother's cookies.**

Goyle: One time, when I was sick, she baked me a tray of toothpaste cookies. And meatloaf.

Crabbe: And meatloaf? But that can only be accomplished by the most expert of cooks!

Goyle: Yep. I think my mummy's cookies are the meaning of life.

Crabbe: The what of life?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The meaning of what?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The what of life?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The meaning of what?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The what of life?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The meaning of what?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The what of life?

Goyle: The meaning of life.

Crabbe: The what of what?

**Voldy: While Crabbe and Goyle ponder, Bellatrix is brought quickly to St. Mungos. She is still unconscious. When her sister finds out about her accident, she rushes quickly to Bella's aid, and attempts to wake her from her state.**

Narcissa: _Crying_ Bella… p-please, please wake up. It's all my fault. I-if I'd only stopped Lucius… _breaks down in tears._

Bella: _Opens eyes slowly._ Cissy? _Sits up._

Narcissa: _Rushes to hug Bella. _Oh, Bellatrix! If something had happened… I never would have been able to forgive myself.

Bella: Oh, Narcissa. It's not your fault. But tell me, what is of my dear husband, Rudolphus, and his sexy ass?

Narcissa: _Lip quivers._ We still haven't found him, Bella. We've tried our hardest, but he's just disappeared.

Bella: _Bursts into tears._

Narcissa: That is not all! The Healers performed a test and… and…

Bella: Sister, dear! What is it?

Narcissa: You have Dragon Pox!

Bella: _Cries out dramatically._

Healer: _Bursts into ward._ Bellatrix Lestrange?

Bella: Yes?

Healer:I'm afraid that we've looked at your records, and discovered that you not only have Dragon Pox-

Narcissa: What's wrong, Healer?

Healer: Coprastasophobia! Mrs Lestrange has coprastasophobia!

Bella: Nooooooooo!

**Voldy:** **Rudolphus is still on the run, trying to escape Lucius, his very angry long lost twin brother. He is hungry, thirsty and needs shelter. So he knocks on the door of some old friends, Alecto and Amycus.**

Alecto: _Opens door._ Hello, Rudolphus. Have you ever noticed that the Dark Lord doesn't have a nose?

Rudolphus: In fact, I have.

Alecto: So what is it you need?

Rudolphus: Food. Water. Shelter. Something to do apart from escaping Lucius. News of my darling Bella. A few pints of Mulled Mead. Oooh, and a pedicure!

Alecto: Ah, yes. I heard about the Sombrero Fiasco. _Lets Rudolphus inside._

Amycus: _Rushes up to Rudolphus._ Rudolphus! What are you doing here?

Rudolphus: What choo talkin' bout, Amycus?

Amycus: Shouldn't you be at St Mungos?

Rudolphus: Why would I be there?

Amycus: You haven't heard? It's Bellatrix…

Rudolphus: What? What is of my darling wife?

Amycus: Oh, Rudolphus. She has Dragon Pox! And coprastasophobia!

Rudolphus: _whispering _But that explains everything! _Shouting_ No. NO! _Starts crying._

Alecto: _Pats Rudolphus on back. _There, there.

Rudolphus: This is horrible! How is she?

Amycus: I don't know. You'll need to go to St Mungos to find out.

Rudolphus: I shall. I can't let a silly battle between me and my long lost twin brother get in the way of going to see my wife when she's ill.

Voldy: Rudolphus receives his pedicure, and then he is on his way to see his wife, who is dying slowly of Dragon Pox. Back at Voldy's hideout, Wormtail has just got home from work.

Wormtail: Honey! I'm home!

Voldy: _From far away, sounding struggled._ Uhm… just a minute!

Wormtail: What's going on? _Looks suspicious._

Voldy: Nothing!

Wormtail: Where are you?

Voldy: Uh… in the…

Wormtail: You're in the basement, aren't you?

Voldy: We don't have a basement! _Whispering._ Look, you hide in the-

Wormtail: Wait… you're in our bedroom! Aren't you? AREN'T YOU?

Wormtail storms up the stairs to find Voldy lying under the covers looking shifty. 

Wormtail: Who's been in here?

Voldy: No-one, honey. Come to bed.

Wormtail: You're cheating on me!

Voldy: Am not!

Wormtail: Are too!

Voldy: Am not!

Wormtail: Are too!

Voldy: Am not!

Wormtail: Are too!

Voldy: Am not!

Wormtail: Are too!

Voldy: Am not!

Wormtail: Are too!

Voldy: Ohhh! It's true! Wormtail, I'm so, so sorry!

Wormtail: Who is it?

Voldy: _Dramatically_. I'll never tell you! Never! I don't want you to harm anyone just because of my wrongs!

Wormtail: _Pulls out wand._ Who. Is. It?

Voldy: _Crying with fear. _Alright, alright. It's… Nagini.

* * *

**Isn't Voldemort/Wormtail the most adorable ship EVER? Lol! Review or I will explain exactly what it was Voldy and Nagini were doing! MUA HA HA!**

…**ew.**

**And excuse the repeat of the Meaning of Life joke.**


End file.
